The Presidential Election and Three-Card Monte

This election, like the previous one, is unusual in that it offers us not two, but instead three swell guys to choose from.  Four, if you count Perot's ears.

Let's take a look at these guys, shall we?  Let's start with our frontrunner, Bill Clinton.  He's leading the race by quite a margin, mostly due to his family values campaign.  It seems kind of - no, wait - very odd that this would work for a man accused of real estate fraud, sexual harrassment, and said that if given another chance "he would inhale" but also that "his experimentation was wrong."  Throw in the fact that the man who masterminded this campaign was caught cheating on his wife with a prostitute, and you have an idea that's about as sharp as a pancake.

If you look at Dole, you can tell why Clinton's winning.  Aside from being among an elite of eight people (4 of which work at my school, by coincidence) who know from experience exactly what happened at the Battle of Bull Run.  At 72 (I think 720, but I have no proof - I also have a problem with decimals) years old, he qualifies as a Class A fogey.  When no one is looking, he is either putting on lipstick or wearing plaid pastel pants.  He can't help it - it's just that time of his life.  Dole is as unconnected to the drug problem as Clinton is hooked on McDonalds.  He said on TV recently that children should "be kept free from the evils of cigarettes."  When asked about this statement, he said, "Oh, I meant marijuana cigarettes."  Toking the reefer again, Bob?

Now we go to our wild card - a political joker if you will.  He won't.  His name is Ross Perot.  His ears are named, too.  Aside from having enormous (and I mean staggeringly huge) ears, he doesn't get much attention.  They won't even let him into the Presidential debates, as he "has no chance of winning whatsoever."  Neither does Dole, but nobody's kicking him out.  He hasn't mentioned family values, and neither have his ears (they can talk, you know).  He has some fairly revolutionary ideas, such as the Electronic Town Hall, which I like.  Some other ideas, like size XXXXXXXL ear warmers, I don't like.  However, Perot has a unique advantage.  As the third party with no chance of winning the election (face it) all he has to do is carry one state and one of the larger parties will suck up his ideas like a Hoover vacuum cleaner (they really suck).  

In short, let's consider changing horses in midswamp.  Clinton should be put out to stud, Dole out to pasture, and Perot just out.  

Before you finish the defecting process or loading the shotgun in your mouth, I would like to recommend a fourth candidate: Larry Cohen.

The man is a natural leader.  He is the head of overseas management for Johnson & Johnson, and has expanded their sales considerably.  In other words, he's good for the economy.  He works in foreign relations now, leaving him in good shape for foreign affairs.  In other words: the man is a born diplomat.  Larry was largely responsible for Johnson & Johnson's usage of environment-friendly products and biodegradable packaging.  In other words: he's good for the environment.  His V.P. is Eliot Barry, a leader in the security industry.  In other words: he's got defense and the military covered.  He's also great on crime.  Both are parents, middle class, and just generally more connected to the voters and their concerns than the bazillionaire Perot, the fossil Dole, and the fraudulent Clinton.  

Cohen & Barry in '96; There's no problem they can't fix!